Hunt gather parent

Book Review: 3/5 Impact On Me (Michaeleen Doucleff)

Read more about the book here

This book had a 3 out of 5 impact on me. Much of the book reinforced what I had already read or tried; I also did not adopt some of its approaches, such as discipline via stories or imaginary figures.

The first step to getting kids to help is to let them do it even when they are not confident. For example, a toddler who wants to help you build something, help with kitchen, or cleaning tasks - let them try.

Involve kids in what adults do

The author draws on her observations of her own children and children in tribal or non-American settings. You do not need to buy toys or set up kid-friendly entertainment. Involve them in everything adults do. They gradually like being part of the family and the team instead of feeling excluded from the adult world and living in a separate kids’ world. For example, minimize going to kids’ birthday parties.

Toys

Send your kid to tidy up their toys; otherwise you should sweep them away. If some toys are repeatedly not tidied, put them in a separate box or straight in the bin. Gradually dispose of those and you whittle down to the minimum number of toys your kid actually needs. The rest they do not need.

Expect help and give clear requests

Give instructions or at least ask your kid to do something: bring me the cloth from the table, and so on. Expect your children to help with tasks. They rise to the level of your expectations. The Western habit of appreciating every small thing your kid does is not helpful for them.

Say what to do, not what not to do

The author reemphasizes something I had learned in other books: do not only tell your children what not to do, because that does not tell them what to do. It is like someone taking away your screwdriver but not saying what to use instead.

Ignore behavior you want to reduce

The book gave me a new angle on advice I had only used for tantrums before: ignore behaviors you want the kid to reduce. I had read this before and found it hard to do, because even when I ignore the kid, my wife or a grandparent might show a reaction. The book says that if the kid is doing something disruptive you do not want, ignore it for two weeks and the behavior goes away.

Acting out as a request for more responsibility

The book says that sometimes kids acting out, for example trying to leave the house on their own, are asking for more responsibility. For example, to go and get things from the shop.

How I handle discipline

I did not like the idea of disciplining kids with monster stories. So far I have either removed the item from the environment, which the book recommends, or explained my fears and concerns about doing something. I have also found it useful to explain the real consequences of things, for example leaving the fridge door open and the growth of bacteria. I do not like the concept of Santa Claus, imaginary figures, or gods, goddesses, and monsters.

Too many commands

The book says Western parents give too many commands and instructions. We macro-manage and micro-manage; we may feel we are giving autonomy but not really in their decisions. The author suggests aiming for three commands an hour, no more. When she measured herself she was giving about 100 an hour. Set a timer on your phone for 20 minutes and in that time give no more than one command. If your kid is doing something very unsafe, see if they can try to save themselves first before you step in.

Sleep

The author got her daughter to sleep on her own within one week by giving up control and letting her decide her own bedtime.

Giving responsibility and tasks

She gives the example of her daughter wanting to have dinner in the living room. She said yes and gave her daughter tasks. Her daughter agreed and soon got used to helping every dinner. I liked the author’s picture of children who learn they need to figure out for themselves what help to give.

Alloparenting

The term alloparenting was helpful to explain a community parenting a child.