Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

Book Review: 4/5 Impact On Me (Book By Aziz Gazipura)

Read more about the book here

The author argues that being nice isn’t a good thing. It’s actually harmful. When you're nice, you're taking on the burden of other people’s feelings. It's not just about caring deeply. It's about caring more about how others feel than about what you actually want. You assume that others' negative emotions are your fault. So, you avoid saying no, nod along, and agree to things you don’t want to do.

You might even leave a conversation the moment it gets contentious—just because someone disagrees with you. The book says that this pattern of being nice isn’t helpful anymore.

The Barnum/Forer Effect: The author includes a questionnaire to help you figure out if you're “being nice.” But I worry the questions are too broad. Almost anyone could answer yes to most of them. That makes me wonder if it’s really a valid way to measure this.

At the same time, I admit I fit the stereotypical definition of “nice,” especially at work. Maybe I’m just seeing all of this through my own lens.

The book encourages you to learn how to say no. To stand up for your needs.

As a nice guy, you might suppress your anger at work. You convince yourself you need to stick around for a few more months or years until you get what you want. But that anger doesn’t disappear—it just gets displaced. You might bring it home. You might take it out on your family. You can’t express it to your boss, and over time, you treat everyone around you the same way—as someone you must always be nice to.

You end up giving everyone power over you.

The author says emotional pain can show up as physical problems. He gives examples like autoimmune disease and plantar fasciitis; I have experienced both.

He also talks about how change begins.

1. First, there's denial—you think you don’t need to change.

2. Then comes wishful thinking—you dream of being rich or confident, but you haven’t figured out how to get there.

3. The third step is doing the bare minimum.

4. Only in the fourth stage do you start doing your best.

There’s a lot I liked about this book. It feels like it’s describing me. I want to do all the exercises in it. But I also worry that the book casts such a wide net that anyone reading it will think they’re too nice and need to stop caring about others' opinions. I’m not sure how useful that is.

The opposite of being nice isn't being a jerk—it’s being authentic.

The book says to stop self-censoring. You don’t have to share every part of yourself, but when you hold back too much, people notice. They sense you’re not being real, and they don’t connect with you.

You also don’t need to do something just because someone else needs it. You should only do it if you want to. For example, maybe you don’t want to spend an hour helping a friend with a task. But if you do want to deepen that friendship, you can say, “I want to do this because I care about the friendship”—not just because the friend asked.

I rate this book’s impact as 4 out of 5 for me. I haven’t done the exercises yet, and I haven’t changed my behavior much yet. But I can clearly see how being nice—and trying to be politically correct or pleasing—has made me lose touch with my authenticity. It’s made me less effective in my role as a Product Manager too.