Book Review: 4/5 Impact On Me (Book By Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish)
Read more about the book here
This book was a great addition to Adele Faber's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I liked how it focused on sibling rivalry and teamwork. It highlighted common pitfalls, like comparing siblings, praising them in ways that create competition, and handling jealousy. I rate its impact on me as 4 out of 5 because it gave me practical tools at the right time in my life. Below are my notes and key takeaways.
Resist the Urge to Compare
Even simple statements like "You've gotten ready for bed, unlike your sister" or "You've gotten ready for bed too" can be harmful. Instead, just say, "You've gotten ready for bed."
Not a Report Card Contest
If one child shares an accomplishment in front of another, focus on their effort, describe the outcome, or reflect how they might feel. Avoid saying, "I am extremely happy about this."
Describe What You See
For example, say, "That jacket on the floor bothers me" or "I appreciate you hung up the jacket."
Recognize Bias
It's possible to have a favorite child. The first step to protecting your other children's feelings is to acknowledge this bias.
Rebuild Connections
To reconnect with a child, engage in what they enjoy. Sit with them while they watch their favorite shows, even without conversation. Your presence matters.
Encourage Teaching, Not Superiority
Don't make the older child feel superior just because the younger one lacks certain skills. Instead, motivate them to teach and support their sibling.
Avoid Stereotyping Roles
Even positive labels like "punctual" or "organized" can create pressure and imply that the other child lacks these qualities.
5 steps when Handling Fights:
Acknowledge both kids' anger.
Hear each child's side.
Show appreciation for the difficulty of the situation.
Express faith in their ability to find a solution.
Leave the room to let them work it out.
on 2 - Reflect and Validate: Mirror what each sibling says to show understanding. Describe situations and express your feelings, like "I feel sad when one of my kids hurts the other." Encourage problem-solving.
on 4 - If they struggle, offer suggestions and then step back. In dangerous situations, describe what you see, set ground rules like "We do not hurt each other," and separate them if needed for a cooling-off period.
Family Meetings
Hold short family meetings (15 minutes) to discuss issues like chores, safety, and fair play.
Addressing Complaints
When a child says, "You don't spend enough time with me," don't refute or jump to solutions. First, acknowledge the underlying need for attention.
Managing Frustrations
My child loves public transport and always wants more, even right after a ride. Instead of getting irritated, I try to understand his need for more experiences, though it's challenging.
Expressing Emotions
Instead of sending a frustrated child away, ask them to show their feelings using a doll. The key is for them to express it to you, not away from you.
Guiding Empathy
Rather than asking, "How would you feel if someone did that to you?" (which can lead to silence), say, "I'm sure you can imagine how that would feel if it happened to you." This helps them reflect without feeling put on the spot.
This book provided thoughtful strategies to navigate sibling dynamics. It helped me shift from correcting behavior to understanding emotions and guiding my kids to resolve conflicts with empathy and respect..
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